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November 18 Anxiety turning into Panic AttackI think I'm officially moving from anxiety to full-blown stress. I had a minor panic attack this morning with some wonderful PTSD stuff thrown in for fun.
I don't feel I need to rehash everything that's going on. It just sucks and there's not a whole lot I can do about it.
Welcome to adulthood. November 17 I Can't Think of a Clever TitleI considered "Anxiety Part 3" but I think after a year or two I'd be up to "Anxiety Part 317." I'm still anxious. A lot of things are happening. A lot of waiting. The excitement of change is wearing thin, and now I just wish it were over.
I like the expression "I miss your face." I plan on using it more.
I realized recently that I don't think of my mother too often. It's surprising to me considering how much time I spent thinking about her, talking to her, etc for the majority of my life. Yet I don't think of her. I don't look back and remember happy times or moments I wish I could relive again. Not that everything was all bad, but there wasn't enough good to make me miss anything. It's not that I'm proud of my decision to cut her out of my life, or that I'm so happy I did. There is relief, but not joy necessarily. It was a necessary decision. At least for me.
When I was a kid I hated my mom. Or that's what I told myself that particular feeling was. I was definitely angry, all the way up to adulthood, to last year, to right now. My anger has lessened though considerably since I made a decision to just take care of myself and exclude these things from my life. I thought it was bizarre that I could hate my mom but idolize my father, considering who he was and what he had done. I agonized over that for a while. It killed me to consider what that might mean. It didn't mean anything though; it just was. It's what happens. It's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I'm thinking though that maybe a part of it was that I had given up hope in my mom's and my relationship, but there was still hope with my dad. He could still make it better, where I knew she never would.
He's dead and I've moved on from her.
Hope and Anger.
I remember how angry I was. Like I could kill someone with it. I remember how hopeful I was, and how I nearly killed myself with it. I'm not sure I have too much of either anymore. In regards to this. To these two people in my life, who at one point in time were my world, my link to the world. My tie here, my reason for being here. It just is. Without hope or anger I don't feel a want or a need to continue this. Whatever this is that I had with these two people. I want to be done. Healthy, confident, renewed. Done. It's still a part of who I am, and I'm not trying to avoid it or hide it. I just don't want it to be the only thing I am. All of my history or all of my family. It's a part. And now, I just want to hope for better things in my future. If that's possible. November 16 Anxiety Part 2Still anxious.
I have had this fear since I first started working, that I just wasn't capable of holding down a job. I constantly feel inadequate and lazy. I lose motivation quickly. My first couple of jobs- at Winn-Dixie as evening shift in the deli, and at Wal-Mart as a cashier- I quit both of them in less than 6 months time. Yes, they were lousy jobs. I quit mostly because of depression and anxiety. At Wal-Mart, I was pregnant with Madison. I had this irrational fear that the carts would somehow get pushed at me, hit my stomach, and cause some sort of harm to her.
I don't deal with change well. At my first job out of school, I was eager to get out of there because of all the financial turmoil and the way they were treating people. I still think it was a good decision, but the last two months I was there, I was barely productive. Then here, my second job, two positions. Things are screwed up with communication and I just lose motivation. I end up not doing anything most of the time because I just don't feel good about the work anymore. So, now I'm planning to change jobs. Again. Will it be any better? Will I find myself in the same pridicament? The same issues? Will I lose motivation, stop caring, and skirt around responsibilities?
I have quite a few big plans for myself, which I'm not sure I'll have the energy to do. Or the time. I'm not sure where my priorities lie; which responsibilities outweight others; or how to balance out what I need to do and what I want to do. I've mostly identified myself in specific ways: as a mother and student. It's changed so much since I graduated with my BSW and the kids started school- 2 years ago. I wasn't staying at home anymore. I started working more. What more could I look forward to? What did I want? Who was I at all? I wasn't really sure. I think things are starting to get clearer, but I'm not sure.
Divorce.
Gay.
Parent.
Friend.
Social Worker.
Crafter.
Liar.
Cook.
Sister.
Dreamer.
Thinker.
I think too much. But I'm glad I'm able. I'm glad to see that I don't feel the need to put "crazy" on that list anymore. November 15 AnxietyMy friend turned in my resume for me for this job as a case manager for adults with disabilities. I had my interview two days ago and it sounds like I might just get it. I'll probably hear from them in the next few days. They asked for my references too. I'm really anxious about it. It's change. And change causes anxiety, at least for me it does. New people. New responsibilities. New hours. And I feel somewhat guilty for leaving the Pride Center and CAVP. I have learned A LOT this past year and am really grateful for the opportunities I had to grow as a social worker and as a person too. There's this person I really like and have been thinking about a lot lately. I had a conversation with her and during the part in the conversation where it turned some to family or past stuff, I felt really uncomfortable and a bit awkward, so I've been thinking about that. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. All the stuff in the past. All the crap. All the years of it. I want to be this new person, not the old me. I don't want that to be the only thing I talk about or the only thing that defines who I am anymore. And although not talking about it would leave this huge gap in my history, I really want to avoid it as much as possible. I'm crafting lots: sewing blankets, making bags, crocheting scarves and blankets too. It's fun. I want to start knitting soon too. I'm excited about a lot of things. Anxious too. I'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out. November 12 Things just keep changingRegarding my last blog: it was indeed a minor setback.
I had a good work retreat weekend. For whatever reason, I felt like it was really good for me in a lot of ways, and that somehow, things became clearer.
Today, I was hit with memories. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, driving to work, waiting at a light, and suddenly I thought I would cry; remembering things that happened when I was a kid. Maybe it will be like that from now on: no new things creeping in; no falling apart; no drowning in it; but just moments. I can live with that.
It has been a challenge to hear those voices in my head (not real ones!!) that tell me I'm not worth much; not good enough; don't have much to offer. I am doing well with keeping them at bay and not taking it to heart. They're thoughts; ingrained but untrue.
Work has been difficult for me lately. I've had a lot of anger over things that have happened. This past weekend was helpful in sorting those things out some and getting validation for the things I've been feeling and thinking. And I was able to articulate them more.
A friend gave me advice that I've been thinking about and I'm really glad to have heard it. I have a crush, but dismissed it some because my life feels complicated. He told me that regardless of my life feeling complicated, it's good to let people in. That meant a lot to me, and I keep thinking of it. I invalidate myself constantly, telling myself that no one would want me in their life because I'm too this, or too that. That no one would understand my life and think it too much to even try. I'm not even saying that my life is unique in it's complication. I just don't see how anyone would want to put the energy to try with me. I have a lot to offer and nothing in my life is anything I don't want to have in it. If someone doesn't get that, I can't do anything about it. People have to make their own choices, and me assuming what those will be before the other person has even been able to think about it, isn't fair to either me or them. People's choices sometimes hurt.
It all comes back to fear. I spend so much of my time afraid. I have two options: lessen the fear or do things despite being afraid. Or, three options, the third being letting the fear cripple me like it does and has. I feel like there are options in front of me; choices to be made; and I actually feel somewhat excited to make them and see what happens. I hope this lasts.
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